The entire world is being affected by the coronavirus pandemic, but when it comes to being in a relationship, the only world that seems to really matter is the one you created with your partner. Unfortunately, difficulties triggered by the quarantine have led many of these relationships toward a downward spiral.
Inspired by my own relationship experiences during quarantine, and in an effort to make the world feel a little smaller for the best of us, I set up an anonymous Google Form where my followers could share their own experiences with relationship doubts triggered or worsened by the pandemic. Here are some of the responses.
*Responses have been edited for clarity.*
On effort and stability
I broke up with my boyfriend because he stopped making an effort to talk to me, which made me realize I didn’t really want to be with him anyway since he wasn’t the partner I was ideally looking for. We were together for about three months when quarantine hit. I started to realize before quarantine that I was not genuinely attracted to him as a partner because he has a child, an unstable job, no savings, and seemed to always say, “I’ll get a better job/do better,” with no actual action. Basically, I liked him so much as a person that I chose to ignore the “dealbreakers.”
I told him during quarantine that I needed a little more effort on his end because two months into quarantine, we had only FaceTimed/spoke on the phone twice. I’m not needy, but I need effort. I sent him care packages through the mail a few times because we live like 45 minutes away from each other and we both would have to rely on public transportation to see each other. I told him we couldn’t see each other in person because one of my family members is part of the high risk population and we needed to take every precaution we could. He didn’t make an effort until it was too late and I didn’t have the emotional energy to be in the relationship. I felt like there was so much uncertainty outside of myself, but one thing I was certain of was that I didn’t want to be pen-pals with someone, lol.
Our breakup was pretty messy because he kind of tried to make me into the “villain” for saying our relationship wasn’t working. I was ready to cut things off completely, but then his mom had COVID and it was scary for his family. So we maintained limited contact to make sure we were both okay. We still talk a few times a week, but I don’t want to pursue a romantic relationship with him even with the city reopening.
On new relationships and boredom
Before the pandemic hit, I was on track to start a relationship with this guy. We had been talking and we were trying to figure out our compatibility. If things had stayed normal we would’ve kept seeing each other and would’ve probably ended up together. But then our state went into lockdown and we weren’t able to see each other often, and when we did, it was obviously just in each other’s houses and all we really talked about was stuff surrounding the pandemic. It felt as if talking about corona was everyone’s main personality trait because, obviously, what the fuck else is there to talk about? But because we could barely see each other and everyone began quarantine dating, AKA FaceTiming and texting, we both started talking to other people. Now, four months later, we aren’t dating because we’ve picked up new people during our boredom-quarantine phase. But that more rings the question of: Did we really ever matter to each other?
On boring sex
Being with him everyday made our sex life so dull. It felt like we were both doing it just to get off. It was almost like, “Is this what married sex is like?” We’ve both been vocal about it and made progress to stop these doubts, but I guess I still wonder how often married couples fall complacent in the same way, and what they do to get out of a rut like this.
On realizing relationships must mature too
We isolated together for two months. My biggest concern is if we can really handle life together. He’s my partner and I know how much he loves me, and I know we both are actively working on ourselves and how we communicate and argue. But like, fuck. Life gets really hard and we cracked under pressure, and I’m just scared that it might have shown us that we’re not right for each other. I don’t know what adult relationships are like and how much to forgive or how understanding to be. I feel like all the stress that adults feel in their lives and relationships is what we’re feeling now, and I don’t know if that’s going to ruin us or what. I think we’re stronger than we’ve ever been, but I also feel like we’re in some real shit. And I feel like we need a way deeper level of trust and communication because if not, especially with the pandemic, it can result in serious damage. And I care way more about other people than he does and I feel like he doesn’t always take seriously how much I have to lose and the standard I wanna hold myself and others to.
On distance
Just physically being apart makes me sad. I think us talking on the phone everyday is nice and it helps, but there is literally nothing to talk about except for the obvious, “I miss you” and, “I love you”. It’s so much better in person when you’re actually in the moment with them.
On healing
This pandemic, my partner decided that they could not be with me anymore. It was under difficult circumstances, but that was the final decision, that we could no longer be together. I’m still hurting from it and I’m not sure when I will heal, but when i look back at when it happened, it was a much darker time than it is now. The one person that made this pandemic bearable was no longer here. It was suddenly just me and my walls everyday.
On exes and dating apps
I think that COVID has affected possible relationships (I talked to this guy before the pandemic hit and I miss that sexy man) because of distance or lack of interest. I found myself swiping on men more and more out of boredom and having these really mundane conversations just so i could feel something. But then when they asked to meet up i was like, “uh…pandemic happening, WTF do you mean?” It made me question my intentions and why I was doing what I was doing in the first place.
Also, this pandemic made me feel lonely. After being alone for four months, I kept drifting back to the idea of my ex. I couldn’t stop fantasizing about, “Okay, maybe if we just meet up….” or “What if I just talked to him?” But I knew that I didn’t have any feelings attached and these desires were just out of boredom and wanting attention.
Also, it’s made me realize that some men really have no substance. They barely try to make conversation and I get it. Like, I don’t really want to either, but don’t be so fucking dry because it’s rude. They talk about nothing and then are like “Do you have Snapchat?” It’s different from pre-corona because now the conversation is bound for disaster the moment someone asks something along the lines of, “How’s your quarantine going?” Before the quarantine hit, they were just as boring, but at least they all didn’t ask the same stupid questions. Plus, it’s not really an easy time to meet up, so dating now is really reliant on only messaging.
kiki 