What exactly is an infinite present? I don’t mean to depress you by restating the obvious, but while the virus-that-shall-not-be-named is out there ravaging our neighborhoods, there is no telling what is going to happen in the near future. I’m not even talking about medical advancements or whatever new social distancing measures establishments will begin to take in an effort to resume a semi-normal life (individual bumper tables at bars? Can’t tell if that’s an insanely good idea or a really bad one). No, call me selfish, but I’m talking about ME!!! My goals, my dreams, my personal plans.
I love making plans, especially ones that I will overthink — or under think — and inevitably cancel the night before. I love having something to look forward to. But for those of us taking social distancing measures seriously and facing a foreseeable future of unemployment, there are no plans to be made. And at this point, nothing left to reminisce on either, despite whatever Venus retrograde has in mind. And forget about spontaneity. I can’t even leave my house without thinking, “Oh shit, my mask!” My favorite pastime — laying on my bed like a starfish and staring at the ceiling until my butt hurts — just doesn’t hit like it used to, but what else is there to do? I’ve binge watched Netflix and Hulu and HBO Go until my brain could no longer process the English language, I’ve read until I got bored, I’ve drawn until I let my imagination run dry, I’ve made pizza from scratch, I’ve applied to jobs that I don’t even remember applying to. I tried to work out (just saying, I tried).
Now what?
Please don’t suggest I start baking bread. I have neither the patience nor the discipline for that. And as much as I miss my friends, I do not want to hop on Zoom with anyone, especially not drunk. Essentially, I’d imagine that would go something like this:
I’d cheers a glass of whatever with my friends (but really I’m cheers-ing with my laptop). We’d share skin care tips and predictions about when this will all be over. I’d stare at myself in the little box on Zoom until the call is over like the sociopath I am. I’ll admit, it doesn’t sound too bad, until everyone hangs up and I’m left sitting there, drunk in some metaphorical darkness, with only my thoughts. Scary. No thanx.
Every night at my new bedtime of 3 a.m., one recurring thought enters my mind: “I can’t believe tomorrow is another day.”
Since March 16, the first official day of my quarantine, the days have melted together like fondue. Except fondue is fun and this is not. So I guess it’s more like when you leave plastic out in the sun for too long and it melts together and then you have to clean it up. Honestly, I don’t even know if I’ve experienced that myself…or if that’s even a thing. (Is butter the word I’m looking for?). Clearly, what’s really melting is my brain.
So now we’re here. My first blog post. At the very least, I’m hoping this will spice up my quarantine just a little bit by giving me something to look forward to. I suppose that this is also a good time to mention that I just graduated college, and I still have no idea what I want to do with my life, so maybe this is my way of navigating my future. Maybe it will just be a cute little project that you can all make fun of me for. If I’m lucky, it’ll end up being one huge mess, just like this blog post.
But, hey! I’m just a kid and life is a nightmare. I don’t know where I’m going with this, but enjoy!
kiki 